National Minority Mental Health Month 2022

All night in an Airport/All day in the sky, I landed disheveled and worn. Still, I was thrilled, and relieved, to be in the beautiful city of San Francisco! Don’t get me wrong, Sicily was an incredible life changing journey. I was able to celebrate an amazing birthday, meet new people, and learn valuable life lessons. And the food/wine??? Bar none! Nevertheless, I was glad to be home.

The large automated doors at San Francisco International Airport swiveled open. I was promptly greeted by fresh air, a cool breeze, lavender sky, and faint calming scent of the pacific ocean. I was home. Well, not quite. How much is a LYFT going to cost me? $90.00! No thanks, I’ll take BART.

Standing on the platform waiting for the next train I entertained myself with mild people watching: They’re coming from work. He’s going to the club. She’s going to a friend’s house. I wondered, briefly, what they thought of me donned in traveling gear: orange backpack and black weathered diesel carry-on?

Pivot. My mind began to graze over the many ways God went before me during my travels. I prayed and thanked him. I thanked him for giving me the wherewithal to travel without my bike. I always travel with my bike. I thanked him for the gift of flexibility. I didn’t book every night of my stay in Sicily in advance, nor did I question the idea “Don’t Plan Everything”. I knew God would meet me there. I thanked him for the mindset of: “This will not be a vacation. This will be work”. This thought process helped manage my expectations. It enabled me to be fluid in my travels, yet remain diligent in the over arching mission: Mental Health Matters to Me.

On the train ride to my tiny apartment on Page Street (didn’t know Janis Joplin and I live(d) on the same street), I thought about how vast our world is and replete with opportunity to effect change. Change in our world. Change in our nation and neighborhoods. And changes at home. But one thing must be fundamentally clear; one must know, without a shadow of doubt, who you are and where you stand before you can effectively change anything around you.

Throughout my lifetime, I’ve been called, and assumed to be, many things. One characteristic is unequivocally clear – the absolute truest thing about me: I’m a child of the KING! I respect God. He has taught me to respect myself. I give and demand respect from others. When that respect, or peace of mind that comes with trusting God, is challenged or threatened, I will defend it. And sometimes defending my beliefs simply means keeping my mouth shut and/or walking away. Sixteenth and Mission, that’s my stop!

Ascending the 3-story escalator topping off at the midnight sky, I decided to walk home. It was a beautiful night. Admiring the San Francisco residential architecture, I continued recap my trip. I’d become keenly aware of the milestones I’d accomplished while on European Assignment:

1. I fully funded my first International Cycling Trip supporting Motivate & Develop Humanity, Inc. and raised awareness to the importance of mental health for all! Money well spent.

2. I realized soon on, I wasn’t going to complete the entire cycle around the region on Sicily with the team. I began to pray, “Lord, why am I here?” I’ve been very communicative with the team. I informed them of the recents deaths in my family and friends. I explained my lack of proper training and my earnest desire to complete the ride. Still, I felt misunderstood and disconnected. Cycling with the team was harder than it ever was or needed to be. I tried to foster team spirit by bringing up the rear and insuring that no man was left behind. Only to be left behind. It didn’t feel right.

3. I learned to honor myself and respect my limitations. By day three, I prayed for a way out. And God, true to his nature, met me where I knelt, prostrate in the toilet of a Sicilian Pizzeria. “Dear God! I want to finish well! I want to do more than I’ve done in any past ride.” What will that look like? It looked like me cycling 300 miles in three days: one century a day for three days – consecutively!

4. I allowed people to be themselves and absolved them of any critical judgements. I walked in the notion of, “I’m only responsible for myself, my actions, thoughts and mental health and well being.” Traveling alone was a gift. The perfect gift to christen 52 years on planet earth.

I feel the moisture of sweat on my brow and I beam from ear to ear with joy! I’m nearly home! What an incredible journey to discovery of  how mental health matters to and the idea that I will defend my peace of mind as all costs. Even if that means separating myself from challenges that simply are out of my reach for optimal resolutions. Always making sure my side of the road is clear of debris and worry. I am grateful.

In the distance I see a familiar face. A face that looked similar to mine. As I got a little closer bags in tow, I recognize the man. It was a former ‘sponsor’ from a program I was a member of a while ago. I greeted him warmly as he looked right through me. He seemed distracted or uninterested, I couldn’t tell. I tried to engage in conversation about my travels and life and asked him about his. I shared how I’d literally just got back from Europe. He responded, “Clearly,” and shoed me away. (Waymin-whuh???)

Departing his company I thought about our exchange and began to laugh. I thought about how I’d never fit into the perimeters of that program. I thought about how I wouldn’t allow my self to fully carry the negative weight, or burden, and title of a self proclaimed addict or alcoholic. I believe God could heal me and make me free. I never released the idea that complete healing and freedom from all mind/mood altering substances (legal or illegal) was possible. In my darkest hours I clung to that idea. Even when I chose to separate myself from that program, I never separated myself from God. I belong to him. He is mine and I am his.

I walked and continued… To anyone who didn’t know me, I know I looked like a well dressed homeless person with my life strapped to my back; looking for that next fix. The truth of the matter is, I was high a kite! High and free floating on the wings of life. Free to “be” and walk in a healing journey curated by God especially for me.

Today I don’t have to be anonymous. My name is Marlan Delaun Hines. Today I I stand in my truth. I stand in my healing. I stand in my life. No longer bound to others thoughts or approval. I stand uninhibited – UNCHAINED!